It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Oh god it's open bar.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
