where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
