last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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