Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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