So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I cut my penus on the lid.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You left your underwear on the fireplace
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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