i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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