My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
