last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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