i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did I show you my penis last night?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
