Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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