Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
