When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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