I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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