I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
