i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
