are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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