Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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