Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
