There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
