My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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