Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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