Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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