yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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