Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
