So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
