He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Your mouth is God's brothel.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
