so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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