You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
