so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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