u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
