This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
