I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
