Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
