My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize