i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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