i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
