you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
