I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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