so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
PANTIES FOUND
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