I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
