I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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