jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
