Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
