Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize