You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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