Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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