She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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