I wish they made helmets for livers.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
