The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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