How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My cat gives me a boner
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
