And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
