please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
