One girl and one boy is just not enough.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
