Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
