3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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