I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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