I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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