I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
