mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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