Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
